Forever Changed

Can you see the change in me?
It may not be so obvious to you.

I participate in family activities.
I help plan holiday meals.

You tell me you're glad to see that I don't cry anymore.
But I do cry!

When everyone has gone -
when it is safe -
the tears fall.
I cry in privacy so my family won't worry.
I cry until I am exhausted and can finally sleep.

You tell me you admire my strength and my positive attitude.
But I am not strong.

I feel that I have lost control,
and I panic when I think about tomorrow...next week...next year.

I go about the routine of my job.
I complete my assigned tasks.
I drink coffee and smile.

You tell me you're glad to see I'm "over" the death of my child.
But I'm not "over" it.

If I get over it, I will be the same
as before my child died.
I will never be the same.

At times I think I am beginning to heal,
but the pain of loosing someone I loved so much
has left a permanent scar on my heart.

I visit my neighbors.
You tell me you're glad to see I'm holding up so well.
But I'm not holding up well.

Sometimes I want to lock the door
and hide from the world.

I spend time with my friends.
I appear calm and collected.
I smile when appropriate.

You tell me it's good to see me back to my "old self."
But I will never be back to my "old self".

Death and grief have touched my life,
and I am forever changed.
~ Author Unknown